it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
