Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
