Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
