Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
