remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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