I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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