Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
