How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
