Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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