you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
