Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
There r osticjed everywhere
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
