She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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