tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
