cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
