it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
