i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
