I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
