I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
