party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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