i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
