our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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