The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Congratulations! We have a period
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