Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
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