She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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