mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize