I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
