3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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