just tell him i said nine months
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize