The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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