Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
