I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
