does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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