yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
