Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
