Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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