i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
My penis needs a shock collar
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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