I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize