I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
