hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize