I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
