There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
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