I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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