tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
