I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
