Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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