using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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