We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
