tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
