Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
