Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
