Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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