i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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