dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
well you can't waste a boner
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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