I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
