Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
