Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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