I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
