the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
