He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
