I wish you could order shots online.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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