A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
