He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
