i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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