Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
