Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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