Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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