I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize