walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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