if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
